Two in My Life

Girls, that is.

Two is the number. Not one, not three, two. Three would be easier because it means I legitimately have choices, and I would have less problems choosing one to develop feelings for. Or, to put it another way, I would have no problem having feelings for any one of them. One is also simpler because it means I like no one else but that girl. No interruptions, simple attraction.

But the problem is I don’t really have two to choose from right now. The number ‘two’ is a façade.

It’s more like… one and another-not-so-much, or one and a half, if you may.

One likes me, and has liked me for a while. But I feel like she is slipping away because she likes another guy. She met him after me, and has great times with him every time they go out. The times she and I spend together are less adventurous or fun-filled. It’s more about intimacy; but of course there’s a fine line between being intimate and being flat out boring.

I like her, too, but not enough to commit into a real relationship with her. Yet I still want to spend time with her. So began a game of poisonous proportions that is increasingly stressing me out

.

The other girl… does like not like me, and thus is not slipping away in any sense, since I never had a grip on her to begin with. I try hard not to like this girl, but I am attracted to her in ways I can’t describe.

One is passionate, non-conforming, and tries hard to be original. One could argue that she tries too hard. She’s unaware of this, of course: a relentless pursuit to be original sometimes just turns out lame and, well, intolerant.

The other is passionate and non-conforming, but in subtle ways. She doesn’t necessarily proclaim herself to be original, but she does what she wants without (implicitly) seeking the approval of others.

One is young in the mind, innocence emanating from her expressions. She thinks she’s strong mentally and emotionally and has a firm understanding what she has gotten herself into. She thinks she’s been through a lot. Maybe she has. I have my doubts.

The other is more mature; the way she handles herself spells of someone who has experience in life. But I see innocence in her that she fights to cover up. Unlike the other girl, she understands her situations a tad clearer (actually clear). But the fatal flaw is that she flaunts her understanding to the point of abusing it, hurting people immensely in the process. Only her feelings mattered. Hers alone.

One is a ‘good’ girl. As much as she hates to do it, she by in large listens to her parents. She fervently rejects certain bad habits and personality traits. ( But strangely enough, she has suggested I adopt one of those bad habits).

The other is not a bad girl. But she does have some questionable habits and lifestyle issues. I take issue with these habits, yet I still like her. That’s why I’m so confused.

So much for their differences. While they are polar opposites, they are also eerily similar:

They’re both not very tolerant or accepting; this can perhaps be attributed to their pursuit to be original and non-conforming. They know what they want, and the work hard to get it, but often lost in the process is what the others want.

By intolerance I do not mean that they stereotype or discriminate against others, but rather inconsideration: the inability to embrace ideas suggested by others. Ideas are deaf to them unless they came up with them, then it’s somehow great and brilliant. These ideas that I mention are not grand, they are anything ranging from interests in books, music, movies, or politics. If they like them (certain movies, authors, musician), they are awesome. My suggestions are almost automatically ignored.

They have both mastered the art of reverting everything I say to being about them. And they’re always right about everything.

This flaw that they share bothers me incredibly. They both believe that the world centers around them, that they ought to get what they want. They don’t care much about how others feel. They say they do. They don’t.

Intimacy for them mean different things. They’re casual, but not in the same way. The first girl links intimacy with attraction. I have no idea what intimacy means with the second girl. Absolutely none.

They both breathe an air of arrogance that greatly antagonizes people. Their self-importance, self-righteousness, and over confidence might cause some to call them a bitch. I happen to be a firm believer in a fine line between confidence and arrogance, a line that they cross all too often.

Along with this arrogance is a stubbornness that appears less as perseverance and more pompous. Their unwillingness to compromise rids them of whatever humility they have.

So where does this leave me? Somehow, I believe that if I try had to spark a relationship with the first girl she will pick me over the other guy. But I don’t want to do that.

There is almost no chance of me being with the other girl, either. She does not like me in that way; she likes others, but not enough for to dive into a relationship. I don’t know why I like her.

My option is perhaps to shut myself out, to the first girl; feelings might get hurt if I keep this up. The other girl is just a friend.