... in a Burning Room

"
I'll make the most of all the sadness,
You'll be a bitch because you can.

You try to hit me just to hurt me
So you leave me feeling dirty
Because you can't understand.
"

It was a cold night. The heat was on full blast. The city lights beamed me a welcome as I entered what passes to be a metropolis.

As I drove through downtown, I took note of the big signs advertising the products in vogue, simulacrums for the venom we've come to embrace as consumerism. I gazed at them, disgusted by the commercialized capitalist culture that defines us while hypocritically admitting my desire to indulge in it.

Bright lights a few blocks down. At first I thought it was a bonfire of celebration, but as I neared I realized it was a building on fire, smoke rising and disappearing into the night sky.

I approached the scene. The flames have just about consumed the building in its entirety. Firefighters watched in vain as the structure slowly crumbled.

I rolled down the window, expecting to hear screams of agony and cries for the lost of loved ones. I heard nothing. Nothing, except for the crackling of the flames and the pieces of falling debris. The sirens were muted. They were unnecessary.

Death was in the air. We all felt haunted, but our eyes remained fixated on the fire. What is so fascinating about death? What is death? Is death signified by the stopping of the heart, the identification of a corpse, or the complete disacknowledgement of the person's existence? The fire victims might have perished, but they left behind ideas, memories, and legacies. Are they 'dead'?

On the other side of the road, on the ledge overlooking the bay, stood a man. I watched as he lit a cigarette and stared into the night sky. Something about him told me to keep looking.

He jumped.

"
Don't you think we oughta know by now?
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow?
"

Slow Dancing...

"
It's not a silly little moment,
It's not the storm before the calm.
This is the deep and dying breath of
This love that we've been working on.

Can't seem to hold you like I want to
So I can feel you in my arms.
Nobody's gonna come and save you,
We pulled too many false alarms.

We're going down,
And you can see it too.
We're going down,
And you know that we're doomed.
My dear,
We're slow dancing in a burning room.
"

My heart is engulfed in flames. My hands tremble. I feel heated all over but I don't sense a single drop of sweat.

In a true moment of synesthesia, the sound of her words appeared before my eyes. The barrage of colors attacked me, before settling down to sinister-looking letters. I closed my eyes, but they remained.

I'm standing across the hall, isolated from the carnage. I see them, holding each other, smiling, completely oblivious to the world crumbling around them.

I want to rush to help, but I am immobilized by the most powerful anesthesia. And it seems like they don't need my help, anyway.

What is morality to them? I don't know. Perhaps they are amoral creatures putting their ids on full display.

She turns and looks at me. I gaze back. The fire was closing in on them. She gives me a faint smile. I turned and walked away.

By the time I turned around the building was but a pile of rubble and ash. And yet I could feel they lived on.

It's a cold night. I light my last cigarette, and stare out into the gloomy city skyline. The words that I saw lingering in my head.

I close my eyes, and jump

"
go cry about it, why don't you?
"

*quoted lyrics courtesy of John Mayer*

Two in My Life

Girls, that is.

Two is the number. Not one, not three, two. Three would be easier because it means I legitimately have choices, and I would have less problems choosing one to develop feelings for. Or, to put it another way, I would have no problem having feelings for any one of them. One is also simpler because it means I like no one else but that girl. No interruptions, simple attraction.

But the problem is I don’t really have two to choose from right now. The number ‘two’ is a façade.

It’s more like… one and another-not-so-much, or one and a half, if you may.

One likes me, and has liked me for a while. But I feel like she is slipping away because she likes another guy. She met him after me, and has great times with him every time they go out. The times she and I spend together are less adventurous or fun-filled. It’s more about intimacy; but of course there’s a fine line between being intimate and being flat out boring.

I like her, too, but not enough to commit into a real relationship with her. Yet I still want to spend time with her. So began a game of poisonous proportions that is increasingly stressing me out

.

The other girl… does like not like me, and thus is not slipping away in any sense, since I never had a grip on her to begin with. I try hard not to like this girl, but I am attracted to her in ways I can’t describe.

One is passionate, non-conforming, and tries hard to be original. One could argue that she tries too hard. She’s unaware of this, of course: a relentless pursuit to be original sometimes just turns out lame and, well, intolerant.

The other is passionate and non-conforming, but in subtle ways. She doesn’t necessarily proclaim herself to be original, but she does what she wants without (implicitly) seeking the approval of others.

One is young in the mind, innocence emanating from her expressions. She thinks she’s strong mentally and emotionally and has a firm understanding what she has gotten herself into. She thinks she’s been through a lot. Maybe she has. I have my doubts.

The other is more mature; the way she handles herself spells of someone who has experience in life. But I see innocence in her that she fights to cover up. Unlike the other girl, she understands her situations a tad clearer (actually clear). But the fatal flaw is that she flaunts her understanding to the point of abusing it, hurting people immensely in the process. Only her feelings mattered. Hers alone.

One is a ‘good’ girl. As much as she hates to do it, she by in large listens to her parents. She fervently rejects certain bad habits and personality traits. ( But strangely enough, she has suggested I adopt one of those bad habits).

The other is not a bad girl. But she does have some questionable habits and lifestyle issues. I take issue with these habits, yet I still like her. That’s why I’m so confused.

So much for their differences. While they are polar opposites, they are also eerily similar:

They’re both not very tolerant or accepting; this can perhaps be attributed to their pursuit to be original and non-conforming. They know what they want, and the work hard to get it, but often lost in the process is what the others want.

By intolerance I do not mean that they stereotype or discriminate against others, but rather inconsideration: the inability to embrace ideas suggested by others. Ideas are deaf to them unless they came up with them, then it’s somehow great and brilliant. These ideas that I mention are not grand, they are anything ranging from interests in books, music, movies, or politics. If they like them (certain movies, authors, musician), they are awesome. My suggestions are almost automatically ignored.

They have both mastered the art of reverting everything I say to being about them. And they’re always right about everything.

This flaw that they share bothers me incredibly. They both believe that the world centers around them, that they ought to get what they want. They don’t care much about how others feel. They say they do. They don’t.

Intimacy for them mean different things. They’re casual, but not in the same way. The first girl links intimacy with attraction. I have no idea what intimacy means with the second girl. Absolutely none.

They both breathe an air of arrogance that greatly antagonizes people. Their self-importance, self-righteousness, and over confidence might cause some to call them a bitch. I happen to be a firm believer in a fine line between confidence and arrogance, a line that they cross all too often.

Along with this arrogance is a stubbornness that appears less as perseverance and more pompous. Their unwillingness to compromise rids them of whatever humility they have.

So where does this leave me? Somehow, I believe that if I try had to spark a relationship with the first girl she will pick me over the other guy. But I don’t want to do that.

There is almost no chance of me being with the other girl, either. She does not like me in that way; she likes others, but not enough for to dive into a relationship. I don’t know why I like her.

My option is perhaps to shut myself out, to the first girl; feelings might get hurt if I keep this up. The other girl is just a friend.